So it’s coming up to the second week since my doctor has prescribed me with 50mg of sertraline to help with my social anxiety and mood.
After less than 10 days of being on sertraline I felt like a shell of the person I was before. The one thing I used to pride myself on was my ability to think differently and not to be influenced by those around me. I am a free spirit and march to my own trumpet.
I know it’s still relatively early days on this medication, but I have found that since being on these meds everything I once had a passion for is no longer of interest. Whilst the medicine has made me feel noticeably calmer and I feel a lot more confident going places and meeting people, I just don’t feel the same. I don’t feel like myself. I no longer have the same interests, I feel flat and I feel lost.
It’s just not me. As nice as it is to feel separate from all of the things that I once thought were my flaws, I have realised that it’s the little things that make you who you are. I have realised that instead of trying to alter the way I think to try to fit in, maybe I am fine just the way I am. Everyone is unique and it’s our differences which make us who we are. Why try to fit in when we were born to stand out. I have learnt that instead of looking for a drug to suppress my personality maybe all I needed to do was to learn to embrace it and be proud of the person who I am.
Ultimately it is through my daily struggles I am able to find my strength. It is the battles I face which bring out my fight. Everything I have faced and will face is what makes me into the person I am.
For the first time in my life I felt something I haven’t felt before. And that was complacency. And I don’t just mean in terms of being satisfied with what I have and appreciating what I’ve got it was more of a general feeling that I might as well settle for what I have now. A lack of motivation to push myself. No desire and no drive to pursue my previous interests and desires. All my ambitions gone.
Whilst I didn’t feel particularly negative, I didn’t feel particularly positive either. Which for anyone who knows me, will know that’s not like myself at all. Lucky for me, I was able to see that this wasn’t me and I realised that it’s not who I want to be either. The Gp warned me that the first two weeks would be the worst, so Ive decided to stick it out to see if I start feeling myself again soon. I believe that this was just the wake up call I needed in order to realise, understand and appreciate that I should be proud of who I am. It wasn’t my personality or my faults that were ever the problem it was the way I saw myself that was wrong and needed changing.
It’s made me realise that actually in taking these pills, I have a lot more to lose than I have to gain.
I’m not a bad person and despite my struggles and my insecurities I have been able to achieve quite a lot. And I’m proud of that. I am who I am, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Out of all of this, it has made me realise that my faults and flaws are what make me who I am. It is only now I have felt what it is like to think different and be different that I have realised how much I actually like the person who I am. And am proud of the person I have become. Without my flaws I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
Our imperfections are what make us who we are.